• Amanda Marcotte

Three-Day Weekend Survival Tips for You and Your Ungrateful Children

Ahhh, Memorial Day. The unofficial kick-off to summer.

The three-day weekend that gives you the first glimpse into what the next two-to-three months will look like; in all of it’s overheated, over-stimulated, ‘boring’ glory. The traffic is bad, the nap-schedule is bad, the cookouts are bad. Everything is bad.

Here is a list of five survival tips to get you through this weekend, while maintaining what little sanity and dignity you have left.

1. Go buy Popsicles now.

Not the good-for-you organic popsicles with real fruit bits; get the icy pops that come in a 94-pack from Costco that leave stains on your kids faces and everything else they touch. These pops are the ultimate bargaining tool and distraction. Kids getting into shit they shouldn’t? “Who wants a POP?!”. They drop everything. Get yourself some pops and relax. We’re going to get through this together.

2. Turn on the hose.

For some reason, in a world of constant change and endless amounts of toys, a fucking garden hose in the grand equalizer… and it has been for decades! Kids go nuts for this shit, fucking free water. Granted they’ll be a goddamn muddy mess by the time they come inside, but you get to sit out in the sunshine for a short while. So - sacrifices.

3. Lower your standards.

Just because you have an extra day this weekend, does NOT mean you will be twice as efficient and get extra household chores done. Extra time does not equal extra productivity, the two are not synonymous. You will NOT get through all of the laundry and you will NOT steam-clean the carpets. Lower your standards RIGHT now if you want to get through the weekend with your self-worth intact.

4. Don’t travel. Like, Anywhere.

Memorial Day weekend is NOT the time to strap your kids into a car for an eight-hour trip up north. Memorial Day weekend isn’t even the time to strap your kids into a car for a five-minute trip to Target, if we’re being honest. You thought dealing with the check-out lane road-rage with kids in tow was horrible on a Tuesday Afternoon? Think again. Don’t leave your house. Unless it’s for coffee or wine, and even then - try for delivery.

5. Water Balloons

This follows with my theory of the garden house. Water is free and water balloons are like $0.97 at Walmart. Your kids will have a blast, and YOU can get out some pent-up passive aggression on your whole family. Did Dad decide NOW would be the time to cut the grass, while you’re trying to wrangle 7 kids that are trying to “help?”. Did dad decide that he would grill for everyone this evening, which renders him useless for child-wrangling for the next six hours? Water balloon. Right at his face. It’s fun.

That’s it. Use these five tips as a sort of survival guide for the upcoming long weekend, and Godspeed sister, Godspeed.


Mediocre Mommy

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