• Amanda Marcotte

Local Man Found Wandering The Streets Dazed After Spending Day at Home With Children

Do You Know Where Your Husband Is?

A local man was found walking aimlessly through his neighborhood Target after what he calls “Literally the most exhausting day of his life.”

His wife Susan (who has been picked on ALL ACROSS social media time and time again for being the neatest, best-kempt, snootiest PTA mom in all the land), had to staff the school’s bake sale table for the day.  She informed him that he would need to stay home with their three children, as she didn’t have adequate child-care in place.  (Susan is totally against babysitters.)

Susan left the house at 5:30 AM as to avoid the rush at Starbucks and Hobby Lobby.  The kids and her husband were still fast asleep, so she made point to make as much noise as possible when collecting her shit and getting out of the house, leaving a wake of destruction and chaos in her path.

“Goodbye!”, she yelled from the door. “I’ll be home for 4:00 PM for dinner!  I wouldn’t mind steak!”, and she slammed the door behind her.

“Daddy, I want pancakes for breakfast”, one child quipped.  “Daddy, I’m stuck”, another yelped from the laundry basket.  

“I can totally do this”, Dad said to himself as he microwaved the pot of cold coffee that was left out for him.

The rest of his day went something like this:

Dad makes the pancakes and retrieves the child from the basket.

Dad serves the pancakes and is informed that they aren’t shaped like Mickey Mouse so he doesn’t love his children.

The children don’t eat.

Dad spends day trying to serve children different vegetables disguised as snacks.


Child #1 says he is 10, he doesn’t take naps anymore.

Child #2 says he is 2 and doesn’t take naps anymore.  Dad believes him.

Child #3 goes down for a nap after 4 stories, a snack, two glasses of milk, a kiss and one more story.

Child #2 passes out in laundry basket because, he DOES take naps, Dad is an idiot.

Child #1 passes out from boredom, after rolling eyes repeatedly for an hour.

Dad sits down while everyone is finally asleep.

Dad opens computer and begins typing……. Child #2 is awake. Child #2 wakes up Child #1 and #3.

Dad flips his shit.

Dad says “Let’s go to the park”

Dad manages to get all three children out of the house in just under 3 hours.  

Dad gets to the park at 1:00 PM and runs into 17 people he did not want to see.

Dad signs up for coaching T-Ball this year.

Child #2 pushes Child #3 a little too hard.

Child #1 sighs while in a pre-teen angsty texting argument with his “not-girlfriend”.  

Dad wrangles Child #2 and Child #3, makes them play nice.

Dad tries to give Child #1 dating advice.  Child #1 says Dad sucks at dating and never buys mom flowers. (Mom Venmos Child #1 $20)

Dad wrangles kids and is able to get all of them away from the playground and into the car in just under three hours.

Dad gets home, Dad notices the time.  Shit.  Dinner.

Dad turns on TV and sits children 1-3 in front of the television.  “You can watch this for a few minutes while I make dinner”, he says.

Dad begins making dinner.

Dad is interrupted 17 times.

Dad burns the steak.

Dad contemplates taking the children to the store and realizes he doesn’t have three hours to kill.

Dad orders pizza.

Susan is home.

Children run outside yelling “Mommy, Mommy! We missed you!”

Susan comes in and sees Dad and, looking around at the mess, says “What have you even done all day?”

Dad loses his shit.

Dad leaves the house feeling unappreciated.

Dad drives to local Target to get a Venti White Mocha with Whip Cream (he deserves it) and roam the aisles looking at a bunch of shit he doesn’t need.

“The day was kind of a blur.. I don’t remember all of the details  But I really feel unappreciated, you know?”, he says.  “Once, JUST ONCE, I’d like a thank you.  And please no one touch me.  I’m touched out… I’ve been touched too many times today”.  

A fundraising page has been created for Dad, so that he can go have the self-care day that he needs. If you’d like to donate, Fill out a contact form and will send you an invoice . 😁😉

Thanks for reading. Feel free to share with the other Moms (and Dads) in your life that might appreciate it.

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